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Profession Toasts

Here are toasts to various professions from accountants to stockbrokers.

Toasts to Accountants

To my accountant – may he make many brilliant deductions.

Here’s to our accountant – if we had royalty in America, he’d surely be a count.

Here’s to the accountant – the person who tells you what to do with your money after you’ve done something else with it.

To accountants – the people who really know the score in business.

Toasts to Architects

To the  architect - she's lucky we finished the job before the building inspector carne around.

Here's to the travails of being an architect. To quote Frank Lloyd Wright, "The physician can bury his mistakes, hut the architect can only advise his client to plant vines.”

To the architect - in the immortal words of Ambrose Bierce,
"one who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.”

As we architects love to say, "Back to the drawing board.”

Here's to the ivy that eventually covers our mistakes.

Toasts to Artists

To the artist. To quote John O'Hara, "An artist is his own fault."

Let's lift our glasses to the artist, who has just completed a lovely painting-and missed none of the numbers!

Here’s to the artist. In the words of Robert W. Corrigan, "The artist is the seismograph of his age."

To the artist. Havelock Ellis said it best when he said, "Every artist writes his own autobiography."

Toasts to Bankers

Here's to the banks. To quote Mark Twain, "Banks will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it."

To the banker - a person who lends you an umbrella on a fair day only to take it away when it rains.

Here's to the banker - the man behind most self-made men.

To our misguided friend the banker, who thought he was going into a simple, stable profession.
To our friend the banker-may he never lose interest.

Toasts to Builders

Here's to the man who comes home every day and says his work was riveting.

To building - the profession where you always start in the hole.

Here's to the heroes who make our homes.

To the brotherhood of hammer and saw.

Toasts to Dentists

Here's to the dentist who got most of his training in the military-as a drill sergeant.

To the dentist-he makes his living hand to mouth.

Toasts to Diplomats

To the diplomat who, as Frederick Sawyer observed, "thinks twice before he says nothing.”

To the diplomat - a person who has learned that you can't bend a nail by hitting it squarely on the head.

To the diplomat - an ex-politician who has mastered the art of holding his tongue.”

Here's to the diplomat - a person who is held upright by equal pressure from all directions.

Here's to the diplomat - whose specialty is letting you have her way.

To the diplomat and diplomacy, which Ambrose Bierce defined as "the patriotic art of lying for one's country."

Toasts to Doctors

Unto our doctors let us drink,
Who cure our chills and ills,
No matter what we really think
About their pills and bills.

Let's lift our glasses to the doctor - a person to whom we trust our lives and our fortunes.

Here's to those who heal.

Here's to a great doctor - the only one I know who thinks a dressing is something you put on a salad.

Ah, drugs! To quote William Osler, "The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals."

Toasts to Farmers

Here's to farmers - people who are always out standing in their fields.

To our fields - may they go to seed.

America's farms - they feed the world.

In the words of E. B. White, "A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handy man with a sense of humus."

Toasts to Law and Lawyers

Here's to the law - a bad compromise beats a good lawsuit.

“And do as adversaries in law-
Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends."
-Shakespeare, The Taming of the Shrew

A bumper of good liquor
Will end a contest quicker
Than justice, judge or vicar;
So fill a cheerful glass, and let good humor pass.
-Richard Brinsley Sheridan

In the words of Charles Macklin, to "the glorious uncertainty of the law."

In Shakespeare's immortal words from Henry VI, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."

To the lawyer who knows it's often better to know the judge than it is to know the law.

Here's to the vanguards of the medical and legal professions.
As they say,
Fond of doctors, little health;
Fond of lawyers, little wealth

Here's a toast to a man of great trials and many convictions.

Here's to the lawyer - a bright gentleman, who rescues your estate from your enemies, and keeps it himself.

To lawyers. In the words of Joseph H. Choate, "You cannot live without the lawyers, and certainly you cannot die with­out them."

Here's to the advice my lawyer gave me:
Say it with flowers
Say it with eats,
Say it with kisses,
Say it with sweets,
Say it with jewelry,
Say it with drink,
But always be careful
Not to say it with ink.

Toasts to Professors

To the professor - a woman who talks in her students' sleep.

To my professor - a textbook wired for sound.

To our  professor - a person whose job it was to tell us how to solve the problems of life which he himself had avoided by becoming a professor.

To our  professor:
Addition to your friends,
Subtraction from wants,
Multiplication of your blessings,
Division among your foes.

"Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain
With grammar and nonsense and learning;
Good liquor, I stoutly maintain,
Gives genius a better discerning."
-Oliver Goldsmith

Toasts to Psychiatrist and Psychologists

To the psychiatrist, whom Mervyn Stockwood defines as "a man who goes to the Folies-Bergere and looks at the audience.

To the psychiatrist. He finds you cracked and leaves you broke.

Let's drink to the psychiatrist-someone whose patients all take their medicine lying down.

Here's to my shrink, who doesn't understand me.

To the psychologist. He's even managed to convince himself that he knows what he's talking about.

Here's to the psychiatrist - a person who doesn't have to worry as long as other people do.

Toasts to Salespeople

Here's to P. T. Barnum who said, "There's a sucker born every moment."

Here's to us. Never sell a salesperson short.

Here's to opening accounts and closing deals!

Toasts to Stockbrokers

Here's to the stockbroker-may your life be full of bulls!

Here's to the stockbroker-she can tell you what's going to happen next month to your money and explain later why it didn't.

To the stockbroker - a capitalist who invests himself with other people's money.


- , Editor, Etiquette Scholar

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